The Walls Rage II


Dictionary pages on my floor

Items lying haphazardly with sharp  objects hanging out of their place.

My hair just like my thoughts, unkempt.

Surrounded by squalid to reflect my mood and mental state

A quarter bottle of scotch and 7 30cl coke in the fridge. The bottle of finished wine still lying beside a slice of bread like when you lie right beside your bed on the floor.

 

Haven’t wiped my floor and dusted in 2days, so I see more tissues than  footprints on the floor. My allergies have residence now.

 

Walls keep screaming shame at me  though I just sit naked, and no I’m not atoning for any sins. There’s really nothing to be ashamed of at this point, I mean what’s shame when your thoughts aren’t sane enough to process it?

 

My eyes redshot from bad sleep patterns. Haven’t slept before 10pm in 11 days and haven’t worked out in a month. All the energy I’ve saved is being used up by my brain and my head feels heavier than the weight on my shoulder.

 

These walls used to be comfort, these walls used to be a corner of solace, till I stopped listening to them.

The rebellion won’t stop, because its all in my head. They fight back the noise I give them.

 

And till I find my peace, and give them theirs, we’ll keep doing this every night till it’s morning.

 

still GIGRAW ©2017

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The Walls Rage 


It’s 2:23am and I’m seated butt naked on the cold floor of a corner in my room. My bed denies me refuge and sleep rejects my many advances. The cacophony in my head is like a live studio session of Gunplay and Danny Brown on a Lil Jon instrumental. 

The walls raged, I invaded their solemnity on a serene dawn and their ears couldn’t handle my thoughts anymore. They kept hurling bitter words at me, they sting so bad because they knew how to shove it. 

These walls know me better than myself. In my consciousness, in my awareness, they hear it all. And just having ears isn’t the only thing they posses, they talk back. And to me, they couldn’t whisper scintilla of comfort. 

I reek havoc, I’m rolling and wrecking everything in my path, I cant die with anything. What’s death if you look desirable anyway, I deserve to go finished, destroying every little bit of what’s left inside me for sport. 

I came to realization at the peak of this, but I was deep in it, couldn’t get a grip of it, I had to go finished or bounce back stronger before, and the former seem imminent. 

The walls are raging, peace of mind is important for all, to have a wreck invade yours at the sniffing hours of a day that you’re barely ready for.

These walls listen, these walls talk back, and sometimes these walls don’t want to be disturbed. Be careful, before you invoke your walls rage. 

Still GIGRAW. ©2017

26 things about me


1. I’m hopeless romantic, and I’m open about it, as much to PDA
2. I feel I’m a heretic religiously, but very spiritual.
3. I’m calm and patient.
4. Can’t go a day without music
5. I can eat Banku with anything, even tear drops
6. I love The Game, he’s gangsta and a great father.
7. My father is my everything
8. I’m quick to assess and know outcomes, it makes enjoying life quite scary for me.
9. I love strong women, who take initiatives
10. I love wisdom.
11. I hate prejudice. I hate it
12. I don’t joke with respect
13. I love to create and build. Tangible and intangible
14. I’m not emotional, I just express how I feel readily.
15. I love looking hairy and clumsy. It makes me confident.
16. Ecclesiastes is my favorite book in the Bible.
17. Sense of humor is the fastest way to attract me
18. I love alcohol, but I’m not a drunk.
19. I almost never repeat my mistake.
20. I’m an only son, I have 2 elder sisters, 2 younger sisters
21. I have genius photo ideas and I cook great.
22. Neyo, Jon Bellion, Russ,  I still think Irene Logan got it
23. I find solutions instead of worry.
24. My kid sister, the one that follows me, touch her, I’ll kill you. I’m not joking.
25. I’d love to be a father, but most importantly, I need all it takes before.
26. I am terrible liar. Yeap, no. 17 is one example. Just give me food. Lol

A King’s Scheme.


There’s a traitor in my castle and my reign is under threat

I’m neither flinching nor the least daunted, as I watch my subjects fret.

Yes, I know who he is, I live with him, I even sometimes expose my weakness to him.

But I’m calm, I’m patient. I get time

I traveled one day, left my Kingdom and palace with all its treasures and secrets. That was the day he arrived.

It was a friendly visit, it actually is because he’s still here. The type of visit with warrant and enough clearance to poke and inquire.
But I’m still not flinching and unabashed.

Because I’m calm, I’m patient. I get time.

Warned every maiden and guard to be keen and be armoured with the vigilance of a snake.
Crawl underneath and Snoop but be sensitive to threat.

I still see him carry his weight around, forgetting it’s my palace, my Kingdom, and my orders get carried out.

Last night, as I walked quietly through the corridors, past the rooms, I heard murmurs, and whispers of spite for him. I heard ploy of non cooperation for him.
I smiled at the loyalty. That’s all a King needs.

I keep it all to myself, my plans, my schemes, as I await the time to strike.
Like a chameleon with its tongue out waiting for its prey to settle.

I don’t even ensnare, I don’t lurk OR bait, I just walk him around past traps, knowing he shall definitely be the doom of his own day.

Mental strength and focus towards the enemy. Be calm, be patient, have time.

SETTLING FAST


Happy Sunday people, I hope you all went to church unlike me? Well, if u didn’t go I guess God understands just like me. I have a long talk, please pay attention, I beg.

Yesterday, I met someone new, we’ve been talking for a while and we were both in the same place same time so we scheduled a meet up. She was one of the coolest people I’ve met, you know the hit off easy. She needed help to get to a location I didn’t know too,  so after we sat at a place and got a little more acquainted we took a taxi.

To get to my purpose of this writing, we got to the place and something happened. She realised I had settled in very fast, though it was my first time meeting her, her auntie, and even been at the place. I was feeling at home so much she asked. So I told her I urinate a lot so I’d like to feel comfortable when I get to a place so I can ask for the bathroom. (that wasnt really a lie tho). At that point, I realised settling down at places has become so glaring to people around me.

WHY?

Naturally, I’m an easy go person, and giving people the comfort to feel at home around me is my thing, cos that’s all I do around them

Also, I do that with respect to duration. If I’m at a place for a short while, why not bask in the moment? Who knows which friend I’ll make for the future?

As I write this right now, the car I’m in has a tyre problem and is being replaced, I’m seated in front of a kiosk on a cement slab (floor) as the other passengers watch me strangely.

This is what I’ve learnt.

When you’re in a temporary situation, settling and embracing your environment is key, your solution might be lying in your face. Right there.
Being anxious and agitated and trying to fight it stresses your brain and amounts to nothing.
Also, anything with duration elapses. So unless you’re in a permanent ordeal, settling in is the best to do, cos IT SHALL SURELY PASS.

Settling is ONLY bad when it comes to the heart, cos ONLY the heart wants what it wants.

If you’re faced with a temporary situation or in a place, please calm your senses, settle down,  have a hold of your environment. You might either find a solution, or a hobby/interest that will Extenuate your ordeal AS you wait for its duration to elapse.

For those who’ve seen the pics I’ve posted on twitter and IG lately, (moth series) 😂 that’s me making use of a shit environment as my duration elapse. And I’v learnt something small as an amateur photographer.
(Okay my car is ready. lol)

GREAT SUNDAY, AND A BLESSED WEEK.

APOLOGIES.


[So last night, a female friend of mine and I had a long conversation on offenses and remorse social and emotional interactions create, and she asked for help, so I gave her one from my personal experience from both ways, hope it makes sense. Leave a comment]

At a very young age, I taught myself that, apologising for a wrong I genuinely did, intentionally or unintentionally doesn’t take anything from my pride, ego, or self esteem as a man or human being. However, apologising doesn’t necessarily obligate who you’re apologising to to forgive you.
Apologies to me, is mostly to clear your conscience, relieve your burden and help you move on. That’s quite selfish but that’s as real as it is in actuality.

Also, apologising won’t always reenact affiliation and association. And that’s okay. When apologising, don’t expect instant forgiveness and locked ties. People you’re apologising to don’t owe you that. Also, it is important to expect retribution when you feel remorseful, even the Bible punishes sins that have been forgiven sometimes, it’s should be normal and expected among humans too.

One thing apologies do is create closure for people you offended, it helps them stop wondering and asking certain questions on why and how u did that wrong to an extent.
And that’s why people need time to process apologies, don’t rush into them instantly, give people distance to afford them space to decide if they want to associate with you again or not, and to which level if they want to.

NB: What people do after you apologise is solely on them, note that as they don’t owe you forgiveness, you owe them no further too.

If you learn and accept that, genuine apologies take nothing from your self esteem, you’ll be at your strongest when apologising, because after that, you can confidently walk away having done your bit. Note that you also don’t owe people you apologise to your presence unless you want to. If you intentionally wronged them, but you’re genuinely remorseful Now, it is human to want to be around and help repair what it broke or it took from them, but note that you’re not obliged to.

Lastly, being a sucker is the extreme part of remorse, don’t be that person. If people having realised you’re genuinely sorry, don’t want your apology or anything to do with you, don’t put it on your conscience. They reserve that prerogative not to want your apologies and trying to do it makes you annoying and a sucker. And being a sucker becomes a worse offense than what you’re apologising for.
Have a great day…